Life Coach Saves Reddit

R/relationship_advice is a vibrant and supportive subreddit on Reddit where individuals can turn for help with a myriad of relationship challenges. This community, such as it is, thrives on the principle of mutual support, encouraging members to share their personal experiences and the complexities they encounter in love and interpersonal connections.

Users post about their unique situations (some situations are quite “unique” indeed)—ranging from the excitement and uncertainty of dating to the heartache of breakups, the intricacies of effective communication, and the painful reality of infidelity. Sometimes its also batshit, and you have to be ready for that. In response, fellow Redditors provide thoughtful insights, compassionate support, and practical advice drawn from their own experiences. Of course most times Redditors give horrible advice and completely destructive suggestions.

This subreddit fosters an open dialogue where people can not only express their feelings and dilemmas but also benefit from the wisdom of a diverse audience that, on occasion, understands the nuances of relationships. It's sometimes a valuable resource for anyone seeking guidance and a sense of community in navigating the often tumultuous waters of love and connection. Sometimes, it’s a cesspool.

This series is about finding questions, sometimes common- sometimes not-so-common, and approaching a response from the lens of a dating and relationship coach. It’s going to be more questions than advice (such is coaching, generally), in the hopes of getting people to think. Maybe some of these posters capture questions you have in your own life. Maybe my response helps you consider problems in a new way.

With that…..

Fair Winds and Following Seas

(Name protected:)

What do I (26m) do about my marriage with my wife? (32f)I feel like this only works with a lot of detail so strap in! I have been with my wife off and on since about 2018. We have been married since 2021 and have a 3 year old son. She also has two step daughters from a previous marriage that live with us. I’m actively trying to get relocated to a different state about 12 hours from us for the company I work for. I told her I wanted to go alone initially so I can get things sorted at our new home and she could tie up loose ends at our old home. This has been met with some concerns, but honestly I know that’s what I’m going to do regardless of her wants. But to be honest I think it’s because I want to be single again and live on my own for a bit (I would still be the primary income for both her and the kids without question). I know this will hurt her beyond repair but even still I feel drawn to do it. Is this something I should do for myself? Or has that shipped forever sailed?

Life Coach Saves Reddit says:

It’s very important to understand the role of a life coach before we begin, because to the degree there is blurring of the lines for content purposes, it’s important to get this out up front: The goal of the life coach is to coach, not judge. That doesn’t mean we drop our morals at the door, per se, but it does mean we coach the client where they are without injecting ourselves into the matter.

Our questions can be pointed, and they can have some theme, but we have to guard against trying to overtly direct the outcome of the conversation to “push” a client toward an ideological outcome. This is a hard thing to do.

To the degree you see me inject my framework into the conversation, I hope to make clear that this would be something going on inside my head. I’ll try to make clear the difference between that, and the words I use external, with the client.

Ok, leaving aside the sympathy I feel for the poster when I hear about situations that implode, like this, I have some general questions we need to start with (not necessarily in this order):

1. Scale of 1-10, what is an honest view of you as a catch in the dating marketplace?

2. Scale of 1-10, what is an honest view of him as a catch in the dating marketplace?

3. What is your general view of marriage as an institution? In other words, what did you think you were doing, when you got married?

4. On a continuum of slights in a marriage, where does cheating rank, if we’re talking about this as “just” as a sexual encounter?

5. What do you get out of marriage, that you can’t get any other way?

6. What lines will you not tolerate being crossed?

   
   

What we’re driving at here, and you may have better questions to ask, is to understand how he views himself, how he views himself relative to his wife, what he thinks a marriage is (is it a piece of paper, or a compact with her husband, and God), and his general values as it relates to marriage.

We have to know what his preconceived notions are before we either gently challenge them, or build off them in order to help her find greater clarity. Follow-up questions here would be to attempt to drill down on values. This may bring about uncomfortable realizations that could turn into goal ideas or a vision statement.

Presuming he says he’s up for going anywhere the convo goes, I might ask questions that sound like:

1. Could you list the things you’re getting out of this marriage, you can’t get anywhere else?

2. Could you list things you’re you’re not getting out of this marriage, that you wish you could?

3. Have you ever told your wife everything, every single thing, you need from her in order not to cheat on her? What kinds of things might you tell her?

4. Let’s turn the questions around. Have you ever asked her everything she might need from you to make cheating unthinkable? If not, what would it feel like to do that? Do you think she’d be willing to tell you, honestly?

5. How well was your marriage working on a scale of 1-10, prior to these feelings? What part of that number was a result of your actions in the relationship?

   
   

What we’re going for here is his stance and views on marriage upkeep. Before we talk about it falling apart, we need to talk about what led up to it and the willingness he has to avoid it happening again. Follow-up questions would continue to peel back layers in order to see if any of these could turn into self-improvement action steps!

Next, I might ask questions that sound something like:

1. Leaving aside your current wanderlust, do you- or did you- have a deep and abiding friendship with your partner? If not, would you prefer it to be?

2. What do you do to build fondness and admiration for each other?

3. How often in your marriage do you experience or perpetrate: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and/or stonewalling? Do you feel like this causes distance?

4. How often do you make bids for each other’s affection? Do even the smallest bids get met with positive responses? If not, what would it look like if these happened more often?

5. Is there a fundament acceptance and appreciation on both sides for both of your sexual interests/appetites and do you use direct and precise language? If not, would that be desirable?

   
   

So, he’s deeply looked at her preconceived notions and maybe developed a vision for who he is- and what a marriage should look like. He’s also looked at how the situation came to be, his role in that, and ways he can turn this into opportunities for growth- while maybe creating some action steps for self-improvement.

Now, we can get to questions about whether he is up for prevention, restoration, and skill building. It’s possible he isn’t up for that. He may be up for that in concert with his wife. It’s also possible as we walk through this, that he realizes he is up for it….but not with her. This is where the vision he has for how all of this takes shape, will become a powerful clue for him on what the answer to his original question really is. I would be remiss not to mention the work of John Gottman here, who lays wonderful pathways to walk down with clients like the Reddit poster.

Lastly, I would be asking questions that tie up loose ends and continue the work of: Creating a vision, working on goals, and developing action steps. Along the way, I might ask questions about his wife’s willingness to join the journey. Typically, a marriage that deserves saving (“deserves” as defined by in the client) is one where the client understands, inside them, that the work will be done in collaboration with their spouse. If a client is skeptical about that, it is often they have lost heart for the marriage and the marriage is broken beyond repair.

But, the reason we do all of this work PRIOR, and don’t jump to answering the poster’s original question….is we need to see where the journey goes first. “Should I leave, or stay”, is actually the LAST question that we need to get around to. In a way, it is the least important question. Because once the coaching starts, the answer becomes obvious to the client by the end (obvious to the client, not the coach).

TLDR:

You don’t know if it’s worth saving until you know “what” you have.

You don’t know if it’s worth saving until you know “who” you both are.

You don’t know if it’s worth saving until you know “if” you both can change.

You don’t know if it’s worth saving until you know “why” you want to save it.

You don’t know if it’s worth saving until you know “that” you both are ready to work/learn/grow.