Dating Advice From the Past Part 1

In this 4 part series, we take a look at the Stoic virtues and apply them to our dating life. Courage, Wisdom, Temperance, and Justice.

Part 1 relates to something in which there is often short supply- when there needn’t be: Courage. We’ll talk about the role of courage in dating life, how to navigate fear, and the sometimes rational fears that come from trauma.

Please come back for each part as we get timely dating advice from the philosophy of the past.

Stoicism, an ancient Greek philosophy, has been gaining renewed interest in recent times for its practical wisdom and timeless principles. At its core, Stoicism teaches us to cultivate virtue, control our emotions, and embrace life's challenges with courage and resilience. As you embark on the journey of dating, embracing the tenets of Stoicism can prove invaluable in navigating the complexities and uncertainties that often accompany this experience.

In the realm of dating, where emotions run high and vulnerabilities are exposed, the teachings of Stoicism offer a grounding force, empowering you to approach each situation with a calm and rational mindset. By understanding and applying the principles of Stoicism, you can unlock the power of courage, a virtue that will serve as your guiding light in the pursuit of meaningful connections.

Understanding the concept of courage in Stoicism

“There is nothing in the world so much admired as a man who knows how to bear unhappiness with courage." - Seneca the Younger

In Stoic philosophy, courage is not merely the absence of fear; rather, it is the ability to act with wisdom and virtue in the face of adversity. The Stoics believed that true courage stems from a deep understanding of what is within our control and what lies beyond our influence. By focusing on the aspects of life that we can control, such as our thoughts, actions, and responses, we can cultivate the courage to confront challenges head-on.

The Stoics emphasized the importance of living in alignment with reason and virtue, even when faced with difficult circumstances. Courage, in this context, is the strength to embrace life's challenges with equanimity, neither seeking nor avoiding them, but rather accepting them as opportunities for growth and self-improvement.

Massimo Pigliucci had this to say on the matter:

“Emotional strength that involves the exercise of will to accomplish goals in the face of internal or external opposition; specific manifestations include bravery, perseverance, and authenticity (honesty).”

The importance of courage in dating

“Courage leads to heaven; fear leads to death." - Seneca the Younger

Dating can be a rollercoaster of emotions, filled with excitement, anticipation, and vulnerability. It requires courage to put yourself out there, to open up to the possibility of connection, and to risk rejection or disappointment. Without courage, the fear of the unknown can paralyze us, preventing us from fully embracing the dating experience.

Courage is essential in overcoming the insecurities and self-doubts that often arise when navigating the dating world. It empowers you to take risks, to be authentic, and to communicate your needs and boundaries effectively.

Furthermore, courage allows you to approach each dating experience with a sense of curiosity and openness, rather than being consumed by anxiety or preconceived notions.

A sidebar related to dating trauma

“Where fear is, happiness is not." - Seneca the Younger

In a world where even the word “trauma” is almost haphazardly tossed around, it's important to have a working definition- relevant to our purposes. For the purpose of this article trauma is: is an emotional disturbance that exceeds our ability to cope, occurring either as a result of a single event or over time.

Not everything is traumatic; things that are traumatic for you, may not be for others; not all events that activate the fight-or-flight are traumatizing.

Being with chaotic people may breed conditioning to chaos.

Constant criticism designed to hurt may breed distorted views and dichotomous thinking.

Being abandoned just after feelings of safety may breed future relational sabotage so that the “leavee”, adopts the role of “leaver”.

Being consistently lied to may breed mistrust in others and strong desires to avoid surprise, with hyper-vigilance.

The depth of the trauma may dictate both the severity of how it is acted out in new dating situations, and in the ability (or lack thereof) to detect when this acting out is happening. We may re-experience traumas without recognizing it, even as we are in fight, flight, or fawn/ appease states. This can short-circuit our ability to display the kinds of dating courage the rest of this article talks about.

In order to tap into our courage it is vital that:

A) we can understand whether our behaviors may be caused by feelings bubbling up from past trauma

B) we learn tools to expand our window of tolerance around these feelings

C) we seek therapeutic support to learn any tools we either don't know or have difficulty utilizing

So, if you often jump from chaotic romantic situation, to chaotic romantic situation- or you have a habit of creating those situations, you may want to look at why.

If you have approach anxiety and find it almost paralyzing to talk to women in public settings, you may need to determine if you have a distorted view of your self.

If you end romantic involvement for reasons that seem very trivial in hindsight, you may want to determine if feelings of abandonment are guiding your decisions.

Lastly, if you are consistently accusing your girlfriend/boyfriend of nefarious action, and snooping due to paranoia, you may want to see if your hyper-vigilance has a birthplace in past harm.

For a deeper dive into polyvagal theory go here...

Courage within dating, for some, begins with the courage to confront our past, recognize where our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors come from, and to develop/receive the tools needed to do that. For some that will require therapeutic support that works in conjunction with dating coaching.

Applying stoic courage in overcoming dating fears and anxieties

Dating can be a source of significant anxiety and fear for many individuals. The fear of rejection, the fear of not being good enough, or the fear of making a mistake can be overwhelming. However, by embracing the principles of Stoicism, you can cultivate the courage to confront these fears and overcome them.

1. Identify what is within your control: The Stoics taught that we should focus our energy on the things we can control, rather than worrying about external factors beyond our influence. In the context of dating, you cannot control how others perceive or respond to you, but you can control your actions, thoughts, and responses.

   
   

2. Practice acceptance: Rather than resisting or avoiding your fears, the Stoic approach encourages you to acknowledge and accept them as a natural part of the human experience. By accepting your fears without judgment, you can begin to diminish their power over you.

   
   

3. Reframe your perspective: The Stoics believed in the power of perspective. Instead of viewing dating fears as insurmountable obstacles, reframe them as opportunities for growth and self-discovery. Embrace the discomfort as a chance to challenge yourself and develop resilience.

   
   

Stoic principles for building confidence in dating

"As it is pleasant to see the sea from the land, so it is pleasant for him who has escaped from troubles to think of them." - Epictetus

Confidence is a crucial component of successful dating, and Stoicism offers valuable principles to cultivate this important trait. By embracing the following Stoic teachings, you can develop a deep sense of self-assurance that will serve you well in your dating endeavors.

1. Develop self-awareness: Stoicism encourages self-reflection and self-awareness. By understanding your strengths, weaknesses, values, and boundaries, you can develop a strong sense of self that will radiate confidence in your dating interactions.

   
   

2. Embrace virtue: The Stoics believed that true confidence stems from living a virtuous life. By cultivating virtues such as honesty, integrity, and kindness, you can build a solid foundation of self-respect and self-worth, which will naturally translate into confidence in your dating pursuits.

   
   

3. Cultivate a growth mindset: The Stoics believed in continuous self-improvement and personal growth. By adopting a growth mindset, you can view each dating experience, whether successful or not, as an opportunity to learn and evolve.

   
   

Cultivating resilience and perseverance in dating through stoicism

“The impediment to action advances action. What stands in the way becomes the way.” - Marcus Aurelius

The dating journey can be filled with ups and downs, successes and setbacks. Cultivating resilience and perseverance is crucial to navigating these challenges with grace and fortitude. Stoicism offers valuable insights into developing these essential qualities.

1. Embrace the present moment: The Stoics spoke of Memento Mori, or “Remember, you’re going to die.” While perhaps a bit morbid the key concept here is the importance of living in the present moment, rather than dwelling on the past or worrying about the future. By fully embracing each dating experience as it unfolds, you can cultivate resilience and avoid being bogged down by past disappointments or future anxieties.

   
   

2. Practice detachment: Stoicism encourages detachment from external circumstances and outcomes. In the context of dating, this means accepting that there are many twists, turns, and curves in the dating process and to not attach to negative feelings about particular outcomes/breakups/arguments. It doesn’t mean you don’t allow yourself to feel. Instead, it means to only focus on your feelings to the degree that you recognize those feelings that serve you, those that don’t, and how to navigate yourself back to a tranquil baseline. If you are following a process led by courage and virtue, the outcome will be what it is and your self-worth isn’t defined by that outcome.

   
   

3. Contemplate the sage: Consider the virtues of real or imaginary role models or how they would behave in specific situations. Depersonalize for just a moment, and add the perspective of someone you admire in order to give you faith. Then ground yourself again in order to commit yourself to moving forward as they would.

   
   

Embracing rejection and practicing detachment in dating

“When jarred, unavoidably, by circumstance revert at once to yourself and don't lose the rhythm more than you can help. You'll have a better grasp of harmony if you keep going back to it." - Marcus Aurelius

Rejection is an inevitable part of the dating experience, and it can be one of the most challenging aspects to navigate. However, the Stoics offers valuable insights into embracing rejection with grace and practicing detachment.

1. Reframe rejection: The Stoics taught that our perceptions shape our reality. Instead of viewing rejection as a personal failure or a reflection of your worth, reframe it as a natural part of the dating process and an opportunity for growth.

   
   

2. Cognitive distancing: Stoicism encourages detachment from external circumstances and outcomes. Take a troubling event in your dating life, say a rejection, and widen your camera lens to see the 30,000ft view. Describe the event in neutral language, and describe your feelings/judgments in neutral language. This will provide a reality check on your judgements and may provide some pushback to your misconceptions. What things are facts you know, what things are thoughts you believe?

   
   

3. Focus on what you can control: Yes, we’re putting this principle here too, because it’s so important. While you cannot control the decisions or actions of others, you can control your response to rejection. By focusing on your thoughts, actions, and reactions, you can maintain a sense of self-worth and dignity, even in the face of rejection. If you’re hyper-critical, how fast can you get back in touch with your sage mind?

   
   

Stoic exercises for developing courage in dating

“If you are pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs you, but your own judgment about it. And it is in your power to wipe out this judgment now.” -Marcus Aurelius

Stoicism offers various practical exercises and techniques to help cultivate the virtue of courage, which can be invaluable in the dating realm. Here are some Stoic exercises you can incorporate into your dating journey:

1. Negative visualization: This exercise involves mentally preparing for potential setbacks or challenges before they occur. By visualizing and accepting the possibility of rejection, disappointment, or heartbreak, you can develop a sense of resilience and courage to face these challenges if they arise.

   
   

2. Self-denial practice: The Stoics practiced voluntary self-denial as a way to build mental fortitude and resilience. In the context of dating, this could involve intentionally putting yourself in situations that challenge your comfort zone, such as initiating conversations with potential partners or attending social events alone.

   
   

3. Journaling: Keeping a journal can be a powerful tool for self-reflection and self-awareness, both of which are essential for cultivating courage. Use your journal to explore your thoughts, feelings, and experiences related to dating, and to gain insights into areas where you can practice courage and overcome fears.

   
   

4. Mindfulness meditation: Stoicism emphasizes the importance of living in the present moment and cultivating a sense of inner calm. Practicing mindfulness meditation can help you stay grounded, focused, and courageous in the face of dating challenges and uncertainties.

   
   

Conclusion: Embracing stoicism for a courageous and fulfilling dating experience

The dating journey can be both exhilarating and daunting, filled with opportunities for growth and self-discovery, as well as challenges and uncertainties. By embracing a different mindset, you can cultivate the courage and resilience necessary to navigate this path with grace, wisdom, and authenticity.

Remember, true courage is not the absence of fear but the ability to act with virtue and wisdom in the face of adversity.

As you embark on this journey, embrace the teachings of Stoicism as a guiding light. Cultivate self-awareness, focus on what is within your control, and practice detachment from external circumstances. Develop resilience and perseverance by embracing challenges as opportunities for growth, and embracing rejection with grace and equanimity.

Above all, remember that dating is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth. By embodying the virtues of honesty, temperance, courage, justice, and wisdom, you can create meaningful connections and foster a fulfilling dating experience that aligns with your authentic self.

To work with a master-certified dating coach, book a session with Open Heart Academy Coaching.